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  • Writer's pictureThe poetry of details

Tow All the books or Block and repeat.

Updated: Dec 8, 2018

Things were easy with her. Very easy. She spoke my language. She understood my jokes. She said all the time I'm the funniest person she knows. I was always honest with her and I didn't have to pretend I'm someone else. She accepted me as I was, and with all my flaws and fears she still found me hilarious. That surprised me, big time. There was no-one who liked the real me that much.

So I decided that I didn't need to have more friends. She was enough for me. She likes to read and has a lot of books I could borrow. She even bought some English ones, because I told her I want to improve my English skills. And she was there, always, encouraging me in every aspect of my life. But after around six months, I needed some space. I told her I want to make new friends, as we spend all our time together. "I like to have my freedom, in every type of relationship. And I don't take orders, just so you know." We started seeing less of each other, but not because I was angry. I needed to breath. I needed to ask someone else for an opinion. I needed to be on my own.

She didn't understand that, though. At some point, she started to blame me for things that happened in the past, when we didn't even know each other. I tried to explain that she was upset with someone else, but she took it as a personal rejection. So I tried to explain in a different way, suggesting activities that we could do together, but interacting with others: "let's take a cooking class together" or "let's join a book club" or "let's learn programming together". (In retrospect, I don't know why I mention programming, as I have no desire to learn it.)

And I lost my patience explaining things. Back in July this year, I wasn't handling it all too well. I was having health problems for more than six months, without a known cause. I had a huge fight with my dad. My ex sent me a text that was meant for another woman, two weeks after he broke up with me...and then she started a conversation from the past. We had the same discussion over and over in the last years and I was done. If she didn't want to take my advice into consideration, then there is nothing more I can or want to do. So I blocked her everywhere - on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, WhatsApp. Everywhere. I was done. "I don't care what you do anymore" I said to myself. This time I was really done. Adio!

Until one month later, when someone else blocked me on Facebook and Instagram. "Whatever. You're not the first person who blocks me, nor the last. You're just a stranger from the Internet. I don't care about you." I kept telling this to myself in order to believe it. Four months later I still repeat it out loud. But I can't convince myself - because I do care. When someone hits the block button, you can't even apologise. It sucks.

So at the end of August, I unblocked her on Facebook. I didn't apologise, though. I wonder sometimes if she wants to apologise to me. She knows where I live, she knows my email address, she has my Romanian number. There are always two ways to approach problems.


If by any chance you are reading this, I'm gonna say it again. I am not responsible for your pain from the past. I am not emotionally stable to offer the support that you need. And I don't want to - I'm not a therapist and I don't want to learn how to be one. I'm an architect. This is what I do. This is what I like to do. And I'm good at doing it.

I love you and I miss you, honey. You're an amazing friend. And I know how much you love me and I know you miss me too. XOXO

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